I've been a bit frustrated this week with my weight.   Here is the ramble of stuff in my brain.

So....why is my weight relevant?      Because -I made it so.  And here's how. 

I don't think about weight so much anymore.  A scan of this blog shows one of the truths of my heart.  I love this sport.  

But when sharing with most people ....it's often a story about how much weight I have lost.  Everyone gets that.  They can see it.   And the rest of the journey....while so much more valuable to me .... hasn't made it into my vocabulary beyond the closest friends and this blog.   It seemed personal ...a bit un-graspable.... irrelevant to others.   
 
And the competition added the weight-on-the-scale to my radar.   And it became my focus.   And that little continuous ping reinforced the weight story.   And if that's the story...the real story , then NOT losing weight when I head to a meet where I made it some sort of brass ring...well then that's failure, isn't it?
 
But neither story (despite the fact that I wrote them) ...is autobiographical.   Unless I MAKE THEM the story.  And I actually do get to choose.  
 
So I write this blog to sort out my head and my heart.  And I'm going to start telling people that the weight loss is nifty but that if veils and deeper and more relevant truth.  And I am going to eat healthy, and compete at whatever weight I am at when I get there.  And I'll lift more than I did a year ago. 

And I'll have another story that's true, that I wrote and that I chose.

Jerimiah gave me some new routines ("JW") to include in the days I am on my own. It's a nice change-up. I had his "make your arms cry" routine, but it's been a number of months, and (as you may have guessed from the name), is just arms. :)

These 2 new ones (two!) are more diverse, and HARD. It's 45 minutes to get through the 5 different activities, even if I super-set some. So I need to tighten up on the rest between sets a bit (which is do-able) in order to include some cardio in there.

I am pretty happy with it so far, although it's just been a few times. But having something new has given me a little boost in the head space around these sessions, which are typically 2-3 days a week.

I don't know what it will do for actual gains yet, but I have a feeling that it will make a difference.

I am struggling with the weight a bit though. I put a few pounds on at Christmas, and it's sticking around. I started tracking food again yesterday, and we'll see what my intake is, and what kind of deficit I'll want to consider to start heading back down towards by goal weight. It's obvious that it won't be as-is, which I dread a bit. But I also want to shed some fat, so something will have to change, or I just sit in the middle between having my cake and eating it too.

I pulled a belt out of the drawer today because it's cold... and I am back into pants.   And lo and behold - look at the number of holes I have shrunk!  I guess I need a new belt! 

That's me.  Talking to my weight.  I have put on a few (ahem) pounds.  Nothing major;  but since I am still wanting to lose a few pounds (10 to go), ... and because I know I have been less than disciplined, ... it's kinda important to call myself on it.

So ... here I go....  now talking to myself:

It's not sneaking up on you.  It's not quiet.  It's not even an IT.  It's YOU, and choices YOU make.  And I applaud you for having some compassion and enjoying that pizza.  And that wine.   And The Keg table bread and butter (all of it).  And the midway at the CNE.  But don't let that be the new habit.  Compassion... and Control.  In balance. Not one or the other.

I restarted the clock on MyFitnessPal today:  and will track from here, fresh. No baggage for the better or the worse. 

Now, I'll go eat some blueberries!

It took a lot longer than I expected.   I joined the gym nearly 2 years ago...and still have a way to go to "fit".    I have come a long way, though, and looking at the transformation, it still seems like a big accomplishment.   There has never been anything fast or easy about it... Just steady, incremental progress.   
When I think about how many choices I had to make the last two years that added up to this.... The good and the bad.... It's a wonder I made it.  I couldn't of done it without encouragement of an amazing PT who helped me the movements,  manage the progress, and probably most importantly… Have fun (or something close to it ) while doing it.   
The mavens encouraged me too.  I'm lucky to have such good girlfriends.  

And Garth has been amazing.  He's been a cheerleader,  but has also helped managing food, encouraging me to prioritize the gym... And listened to me go on and on about powerlifting.  
But the truth is and I say this without an ounce of either shame or pride.... Mostly this was ME. Of course of course I couldn't have done it without the support mentioned above ...for sure.  But I did the work.  I made those choices.  
Ok; so I take it back.  I AM PROUD. Blessed and proud.

So, that's a bit of an issue.  3kgs over the weight I want to be for the meet in a week.  Garth and Jerimiah don't want me to do any cutting ...and to be fair; I should have been a bit more controlled before, but it is what it is and I don't want to abuse myself over it.  There's enough going on with a first meet that some compassion is in order as well.  There's that theme again.
Anyway, in looking at cutting (not gonna but was ...) there was some stuff that I divited I CAN do that will move me closer without undue pressure.  And just cause I won't make it is no reason to give up, either.  I am just not ramping up to crazy.

So here's the plan;

• I'm going to swap out my 2-3 a day fruits for veggies.
•  I'm going to replace one of the 2 daily yogurt with chicken.
• I might try to cut water (reduce sodium and drink more until Wednesday and then taper...but will see what Jerimiah says about that.

Control, but compassion.  That theme again.  Not nothing, but not crazy.
Oh, and I went for a run tonight.  :)

I am visiting Montreal this week... and went into our local office after a client visit, and Immediately ran into someone I trained on Project Management - in a 3 day session in Oct 2014.

She was like “Woah!  Look at you, blah, blah….”.  And reminded me that when I trained them, I had talked about adult learning, and how I had just joined a gym and was having to hold someones hand in order to squat, or I’d fall over.  I guess I used it as an analogy to some other topic in the sessions.

Anyway, I was 35# heavier then.  And probably walking with a bit more swagger now.  :)   ......And she said … “I guess you figured it out . "

Yeah, I guess I did!

In the last 2 weeks, I've been called 'skinny' twice.  Not that I am skinny.... technically, I am still overweight.  But it was an acknowledgement of my progress, and meant to be flattering. And truly; it was;  I felt the smile immediately rise.
Still; each time it left me thinking after :  why THAT word?  It's kind of weird that somehow that's a compliment.  And I am not shitting on anyone intent;  after all, I was flattered.... but there is something a bit off, I think, that the word has some sort of value associated with it. I can't quite place my feelings, but.... I have decided I don't like that word.

I did my first session of programming towards meet prep lat night.  It was intense.  I thought I'd already been working hard, but this was a new level....
And I feel good.  The targets we set forb the meet seem high, but with an apparent plan for increased intensity.... suddenly it feels less scary.
We also talked about making weight.  I am about 15 overweight yet.  I am not aiming for super-lean, but around 27% body fat would be good. I'm not trending down fast enough, but Jerimiah figures with the increased intensity, I'll see better traction there as well.   We'll keep an eye on that over the next few weeks and see if we have to modify the caloric balance.

They say a calorie is a calorie.    I can't say that really makes sense to me from at least some perspectives.   Maybe if it's about weight loss?  
But I still figure your body handles all sorts of different calories in very different ways.  And some calories come with a wealth of other "good stuff ".
So with that in mind, here is the first swap I making as I head towards my first meet.

Two or three times a week I used to have 7 of these (very delicious, crunchy) chocolate eggs before the gym to give myself a bit of energy.   It was one of the things where I was still focusing on the experience vs the fuel, if I'm honest.
Anyway, that's the (caloric) equivalent of 3 of these figs, which I'll now have instead.
Although perhaps I should ask Garth to bring the rest of the eggs into work, just keep them out of my reach.  :)