I've been a bit frustrated this week with my weight.   Here is the ramble of stuff in my brain.

So....why is my weight relevant?      Because -I made it so.  And here's how. 

I don't think about weight so much anymore.  A scan of this blog shows one of the truths of my heart.  I love this sport.  

But when sharing with most people ....it's often a story about how much weight I have lost.  Everyone gets that.  They can see it.   And the rest of the journey....while so much more valuable to me .... hasn't made it into my vocabulary beyond the closest friends and this blog.   It seemed personal ...a bit un-graspable.... irrelevant to others.   
 
And the competition added the weight-on-the-scale to my radar.   And it became my focus.   And that little continuous ping reinforced the weight story.   And if that's the story...the real story , then NOT losing weight when I head to a meet where I made it some sort of brass ring...well then that's failure, isn't it?
 
But neither story (despite the fact that I wrote them) ...is autobiographical.   Unless I MAKE THEM the story.  And I actually do get to choose.  
 
So I write this blog to sort out my head and my heart.  And I'm going to start telling people that the weight loss is nifty but that if veils and deeper and more relevant truth.  And I am going to eat healthy, and compete at whatever weight I am at when I get there.  And I'll lift more than I did a year ago. 

And I'll have another story that's true, that I wrote and that I chose.

I got really irritated this morning at the gym when a stranger said "no no no for god sake don't hurt yourself " and handed me 10 pound weights in place of my 17. 5s. I don't think he would've done it if I was a dude. But I also think he was genuinely trying to help. Is there a "right" way to correct a strangers form at the gym?

Deadlifts and I  struggle to get along.  Always.  

I did have a 13# PR in July...at 198#...and was overjoyed.   Hugs were even squished out to Jerimiah.   But it was months before I got even close again.  Partly it was just the way the programming block was built.  But then even at the end...it was still basically the ceiling.   Squeezing out 200# 5 months later gave me mixed feelings.  Yeah, it was more.  But the smallest amount.  And that was really all I had in me.   Was it that going to be it?  And if it was, then what!?
 
And then at the beginning of February I threw my back out...doing deadlifts, of course.  We were doing reps (and reps, and reps) and the fatigue was building and I lost form.  It was pretty bad.   Tears.  Doctor.  Meds.  Physio.   
 
So I didn't train for a bit, and then did but ensured NO stress to back.  I missed squats but didn't miss deadlifts one bit.  I felt like they had met me down.  Or I had let me down.  
 
Well, we started up again, and I screwed up my optimism and told myself to just do the work and trust the process.   It was hard.  It was a few sessions of back to basics and changing things up.  I was all awkward AND had low numbers and didn't have the excuse that I was a #newb.  But I kept at it ....with a slightly wavering faith that it would build up to...something different.  
 
And it did.  A 5# PR at 205#....With maybe a bit left in the tank.  Evidence!   Finally a little translation into the actual lift.  

Let's be honest:  even at twice the increase in the previous 5 months, its a tiny increase.  But it's the encouragement I needed to remind me that trusting the process is not about blind faith, but rather about relying on what you know and who you trust ...and sticking it out.  
 
I'm elated about the result, but even more so by this little gift of the encouraging reminder that progress comes ....as long as you keep at it.   

Yeah, I know that's a cat. But I was thinking ... if "hair of the dog" is taking some more of what made you busted in the first place... then "hair of the cat" could be something that should mess you up worse but fixes you. Right?

Anyway... I think we've made a breakthrough on the back spasms. My RMT had mentioned that more ballistic style stretching might be better, and to save the long holds for after I work out. The idea being that I'm relaxing the muscle right before a big load, and that could be what was driving me to cramp up. So JW incorporated a few more things in to the warm up last week and it made a difference. I've even been "Frankenstein walking" around work (Hidden hallway… But it probably has cameras) and it's made a massive difference. Today we added a few more things. Had the best day yet.
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Super relieved. Based on the numbers, you couldn't exactly call it an excellent session under the bar but, it felt good. More importantly, I feel good. I think I was going into a bit of withdrawal...

My back is better, but glutes are beyond sore.  Like frozen boulders and some movements seem to put that stress back in the lower back.  Squat depth sucks although it gets better and better feeling as I do more.   But right back to crap again each AM.   Physio this weekend did nothing, so I think a massage is in order.  Will try to book one for this week as this is seriously killing my buzz.   

I was on a charge in January, and really enjoying it. Until...(wait for it...) a less than perfect deadlift. Thankfully, it's not an injury per se. But my lower back went into spasm and has been very very painful, tight and at times totally immobilized at the bottom.

2 massages helped. Then an attempted row made it even worse. DOCTOR! Muscle relaxant, anti inflammatories and Advil. And physio therapy. I have had some pain-free moments but 8 hours on my back tighten it up quick so I think it will be a bit before I am back in good shape.

Sadness...

I have been feeling  off since the 12th.  Not totally horrible, just not well.   Quite a few headaches.  More tired.    I feel great until around mid-day, and then like deaths warmer cousin.  It's likely 'just' fatigue.

But I can't seem to shake it, and a week of going to bed at 8 PM hasn't fixed it, so I am taking a 1/2 day sick day and going to bed.   I am hoping that 3-4 hours of sleep this afternoon and another early night, will fill the energy-bank enough to kick-to-the-curb whatever it is that's getting me under the weather. 

Jerimiah gave me some new routines ("JW") to include in the days I am on my own. It's a nice change-up. I had his "make your arms cry" routine, but it's been a number of months, and (as you may have guessed from the name), is just arms. :)

These 2 new ones (two!) are more diverse, and HARD. It's 45 minutes to get through the 5 different activities, even if I super-set some. So I need to tighten up on the rest between sets a bit (which is do-able) in order to include some cardio in there.

I am pretty happy with it so far, although it's just been a few times. But having something new has given me a little boost in the head space around these sessions, which are typically 2-3 days a week.

I don't know what it will do for actual gains yet, but I have a feeling that it will make a difference.

I am struggling with the weight a bit though. I put a few pounds on at Christmas, and it's sticking around. I started tracking food again yesterday, and we'll see what my intake is, and what kind of deficit I'll want to consider to start heading back down towards by goal weight. It's obvious that it won't be as-is, which I dread a bit. But I also want to shed some fat, so something will have to change, or I just sit in the middle between having my cake and eating it too.

See last post.  Repeat.  Crapped out on 205# deadlift making this officially NOT better than anything I have ever done before.   

Ruminated a bit.  It's weird, because I have spent quite a bit of the last few months wanting to try for best single... to see what was really possible (vs theorhitcally RPE Xreps blah blah blah) and looking forward to test week.  And now that it's here I hatee that it guarantees failure. That's the whole point, after all. 

And I am not that good at dealing, it turns out.  I am not entirely sure if I'd feel the same if I squeezed out more, or it's just hitting a limit that's a bummer.  ie:

1. Do I feel bad because I didn't gain enough to feel good? 
   
2. Or do I feel bad because i just don't like going over the limit-cliff no matter what the number is? 
   

Now I have a new reason to want to hit good numbers on the real testing day tomorrow.  I want a good.... everything. Something worth celebrating.  And then to see how I feel.   Just so I know which of the 2 above it is .  Oh, who am I kidding?  I just want better numbers.  Period.  It's not a social experiment. It's not noble.  Just gimme a fucking material PR already!!!

So-so feels at the gym today. I thought we were testing, but we are still working up. Kept missing on depth on the squats. Despite being heavy, it felt good. Just not deep enough.

And failed out at bench. But it was at 115# so I suppose as we get closer to the top, I'm more likely to crap out. I'll try to remember how I felt HERE, and that this is my week of putting it all out it there.