Yesterday we tested bench and squats. A difficult 105# and a failed 135#. I can't get depth. Anyway, the real point is that while I can't be happy about the outcome....I was happy. Just... Happy. Endorphins. Knowing I did something for me. Whatever. But the result was not just because of the result (if you follow).
Anyway, then we went to move my mom into the retirement home. The results, at least to our target, were good. She's set up. And yet we had a really horrible day. Feeling all of the feels ... And they all seem illogical. But they aren't. My "why" for the retirement home set up is the desire to see my mom happy and safe. And while we did the tasks, the "why" is open. Safe, but not happy. It will come, tho. My "why" for lifting is not just to lift heavy shit. That's the task equivalent. The "why" is to challenge myself, push my boundaries, learn more about how I work , invest in my well-being and to demand progress of myself. So you can't judge success by checking off the tasks. And if you try, you'll may be left thinking that you should feel differently than you do .....to have accomplished what you planned but remain unsatisfied. And that would be the saddest success of all.
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One of the nice things about training with Jerimiah has been the focus on form/strength. 'Cause while I did join the gym to get actually FIT and not just LOOK fit, it would be easy to consider the aesthetic only. And it's way more fun to focus on gains. So imperial. So simple. So objective. No judgement. Either IS, or ISN'T. It's a beautiful thing.
Nevertheless.... allow me a little bit of pride here: I have quads! little baby muscles! I went to my first power lifting meet today. It was amazing. I cheered for strangers. I did virtual deadlifts with my butt and quads everytime someone had to really grind it out.
Super impressed with Yordanos - pulled ridiculous big numbers, and kept going back for more. What was the most compelling thing, tho, were the fails. In a number of those cases, someone did a lift, but despite an obvious determination, couldn't do the next one. Now of course people have limits at any given time. I knew that; that is not the compelling thing. But the hit-and-then-miss today was often evidence that someone had actually hit their limit; and didn't leave a single ounce undelivered. I just don't think that you get to see that a lot in life today. And it's INSPIRING. They say a calorie is a calorie. I can't say that really makes sense to me from at least some perspectives. Maybe if it's about weight loss? But I still figure your body handles all sorts of different calories in very different ways. And some calories come with a wealth of other "good stuff ". So with that in mind, here is the first swap I making as I head towards my first meet. Two or three times a week I used to have 7 of these (very delicious, crunchy) chocolate eggs before the gym to give myself a bit of energy. It was one of the things where I was still focusing on the experience vs the fuel, if I'm honest. Anyway, that's the (caloric) equivalent of 3 of these figs, which I'll now have instead. Although perhaps I should ask Garth to bring the rest of the eggs into work, just keep them out of my reach. :) I had written " it'll (probably) be all ok..." , and then the following, with the 'probably' being because I am not registered, but hope to be. And then I figured, well, it's ok either way, isn't it? I do really want this, but it's not life or death. :)
So.... Let's start over! it'll ALL BE OK. So, regarding my last post, and me missing registration for the August PL meet... we think I can be ready by July, so I'll sign up for the July 9th one. Registration is not open until May (so I can't really say I have "checked that box" yet", and you know how I feel about loose ends....) so I can't say I AM signed up. But I WILL. I WILL! And it will all work out. And I will make weight. And I will lift whatever I can, which may or may not be 500.5# by then. :) I waited to long to sign up for the meet in August. It's full. I feel gutted (which is a pretty extreme reaction. But I guess a good sign, as had I felt relieved I'd question my motivation...)
I have asked Jerimiah for advice; if I can make a July event in terms of readiness. I am not worried about some big number; just want to be able to hit my best numbers or close to them for the day. Right now, I am not regularly doing anything near my 1RM, so that'll take a bit. And I need to lose more weight to get into the 63kg class, which I think is somewhere around my sweet-spot for day-to-day comfort in my own skin. Based on my current trajectory, I can be there by July(ish) IF IF IF IF I am a bit more disciplined when I travel (that's those up-ticks.) |
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