At 6:30 AM flight doesn't sound so bad. It was only half an hour earlier than the one I was looking for. And now as I set my alarm..: I have the realization that I have to get up at 3:30 AM.
I consider myself a thoughtful person in a literal sense of the word. And yet here I am. I was thinking about the "end"... and nothing seemed unreasonable. I travel all the time it's not like I don't know. It's one of my pet peeve's, yet I succumbed to it myself. I made a promise every intent to deliver. But I hadn't actually calculated the cost to live up to that promise. Now, of course I'm actually going to this promise. I keep my word. And really, it's inconvenient but not impossible. That's not the real concern here. The concern is making commitments in good faith, without considering what it will take. Doesn't really seem like good faith at all when you think about it that way. In this context , "Thoughtful" means thinking. It doesn't mean generous, it doesn't mean kind. When I see it in others it really irks me. So now I am irritated with myself. I have got to remember PAUSE to think.
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There were quite a few powerlifting posts in my Instagram feed this weekend. And I noticed that it was not the biggest lifts that were the most amazing.... but it was the ones that were a surprise. Not the monster (affectionately!) who squatted well over 700#, but rather the lifter who looked like a 'regular dude' (or dudette) and still pulled, or pushed a relatively big number. That 'wow, I didn't expect that' moment is pretty sweet. I again realize we are so, so much more than what you can see.
I know that for some people, seeing the biggest dudes do the crazy lifts is the only thing that charges them up. But for me, I like the element of surprise..... That was last night. Black = what was going on in my head. Red = why this is so different than me 2 years ago....
And I did go to the grocery store, and I did buy fruit. I am getting the hang of this! Who says struggle is to be sympathized with? Certainly not Seth Godin. This one really resonated with me.
http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2016/08/the-lottery-winners-a-secret-of-unhappiness.html I really do feel fortunate about the struggle in the gym. It's not crazy or anything (I have seen some others suffering @ the gym..., but I am not nearly so hard-core). Nevertheless, unlike some other things in my life, it does not come easy. It is a struggle. I have mentioned it to a number of people as a peculiarity that somehow this was was part of it's joy. But I didn't have better words for it, until now. Thanks, Seth. Today a lady and I exchanged the usual casual hellos at the gym as we passed in the changeroom. "Morning" she said. "Have a good day". I responded in kind, to which she replied: "For sure. The worst part of my day is now over (pointing to the gym floor), so it's all good."
The rest is a brain ramble, pretty much just like it actually happened:
THERE IS NO WORST PART OF MY DAY!?!?! How amazing is that? OK, not exactly part of my fitness journey, but I really liked Seth Godin this morning. And the truth is, I have way less "iffing" now that I have training. Too busy doing things and improving to worry about what ifs. Well, not entirely, but certainly LESS.
I was in my first powerlifting meet yesterday. I hesitate to call it a competition; I pulled less weight than anyone. Well, except the guy that bombed out on his three benchpress attempts and didn't get to finish.
And I finally get the concept of only competing against yourself. I never understood it when golfers talked about it. And to be fair, I'm pretty sure a number of them (golfers and powerlifters) care a lot more about competing with the other participants than it being only about beating your best. But, I'm really not worried about the low weight, or my missed third attempt on bench. In fact, I'm really proud I tried for the 115# BP. I've never been able to do it in the gym before with the pause, & I was feeling really good. And maybe I could have gotten it if I was just a bit slower. But I actually tried something that had a goodly chance of failure ..... In front of a bunch of people. Because nobody wanted me to miss. It wasn't a competition at that moment; not against each other anyway. Just me and the bar. And everyone got it. And now I have numbers. A very clear place from which to improve. To measure progress. I was impressed by a lot of people yesterday. But I don't remember their numbers. Just their resolve. Me. The bar. It's so simple that it's hard to understand how I didn't get it before. But I do now. And that's progress too.... IT'S A LONG WAY FROM THE HEAD TO THE HEART. One of my mentors said that. He was explaining to a young (it was a LONG time ago) frustrated professional the disconnect between what it seemed people knew, and how I saw that those same people behaved or decisions that they made. For the less spiritual, I guess you could translate that to "It's a long way from the prefrontal cortex to the amygdala." But that's a blog for another day. Anyway, I refer to this within myself often when I make choices that aren't aligned with my goals, or outcomes I want.
WHAT DOES IT SERVE? This one came from coaches of all sorts. Personal. Career. Trainer. Why, why, why. Why do I worry what people think? What does that serve? Why do I work at something I don't LOVE with a passion? What does that serve? Why do you arch your back and stack your joints for a bench press? What does that serve? Why do I watch so much TV instead of spend time elsewhere (cycling, gym, with girlfriends)? WHAT DOES THAT SERVE? And in some cases and instances, it REALLY DOES serve me. Sometimes you work at a less than perfect circumstance because... you need a job. Sometimes you hang out on the couch because your favourite person is there. But if I don't pause to check: I am acting on habits, and not necessarily serving to build the life I want. If I ask myself "Will this create the outcome I want? What will it serve?", sometimes I will sleep in, but other times I will go to work earlier, or go for a walk. But if I don't ask, then I am not building my life purposefully. FOOD IS FUEL. It's a specific learning related to "What does it serve?" This seems small, but it's not. The 'aha' moment came when discussing my food conflicts: Foods utility to me was that it was pleasurable, and it also happened to be necessary. How lovely that something necessary was SO NICE. I was challenged on the utility factor: "Um, no", said my life coach "food is FUEL." What a strange concept. Well, of course it happens to be, but's its so much more! And when I talked to others about her strange concept... they acted like I was the one who had it backwards. :) And I started thinking about the utility of food. And that logic helped me plan and choose differently. I thought I had it; and had a 'healthy' feed after Mudderella. Greens, etc. I was PROUD. I told my husband that I finally got it; food was not my boss anymore, because I understood it was fuel. And my husband said: but you ran around all day, and were hauling your ass about. You could probably use some protein. Would that not have been the right Fuel? Arg! He was right. I hadn't really gotten it. I just flipped the pendulum of my practice. :( Anyway, it did not become a happy habit, however, until after a few months, I had a several day run of "FOOD as FUN" in December (Christmas parties, fast food etc, etc) ... and felt like death. OMG! Food is FUEL! I GET IT! Holy shit. I GET IT! I still love food...but that visceral moment of realizing that food was something that RAN THE MACHINE.... has made it much easier to move that learning from the head,..... to the heart. BEAUTY IS WHAT YOU DO, NOT HOW YOU LOOK. I mentioned this on an entry a while ago. I started to follow a Women's lifting micro blog (on Instagram). I loved it. I felt like it encouraged strength. People there uplifted others, and tearing them down was simply not tolerated. Sexual orientation did not matter. Even achievement was not the big deal. PASSION was. Here is someone else's quote, which is EXACTLY what happened to me. “I was enjoying following them so much that the ‘fitspiration’ crap on my Pinterest board started looking stupid. Those women were just skinny and sweaty. So I started unfollowing them, and my Pinterest board started to look like my Instagram feed. And I was feeling even better about myself.” I'd add that on my previous feed, that they were skinny, sweaty and overly sexualized. I had not been pinning pictures of what was fit. I had been posting pictures of what I believed was desirable. But I didn't desire to look like that any more. At all. HOW DOES THIS ALL COME TOGETHER? My body serves me. It is the vehicle through which I experience the things that fulfill me and through which I contribute to the communities (work, friends, family....) that feed me. That vehicle is capable of amazing things. It's stronger than I thought. I experience more through it than I thought. How I fuel it impacts how well it serves me, and how well I serve those around me. WHAT FINALLY, FINALLY MADE IT ALL THE WAY FROM MY HEAD TO MY HEART? All of this means that I can't help but be mindful of how I treat my body, and at least as importantly, be aware of what it gives me back. So I don't just know more... I am DIFFERENT. Eat junk for 3 days; feel the wrath. My asthma is bugging me, and my gut hurts.
I knew it made a difference, but it's a lot easier to feel/see it this direction than it was the other. Ugh. |
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